how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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