pop tarts are not kleenex
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
