I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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