Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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