Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
