It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
