we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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