So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
