I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
