omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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