i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
