Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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