Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
