is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
