I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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