Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize