Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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