i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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