Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
