I wish I could teleport
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We have so much sex to catch up on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Drake has all the answers
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
