It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
FUCK WHALES
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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