Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The power of my boobs compel you
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
