lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
