you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
