I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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