Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
