If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
