dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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