**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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