just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
