I was born with a shot glass in my hand
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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