In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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