Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
