My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
