Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
