I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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