I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
