So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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