Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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