I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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