I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
