I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
