they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
