is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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