hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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