He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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