There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
