I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
