Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
