She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
