My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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