oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
