I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Holy shit dude........stairs
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
