This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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