In the future we'll all be gay
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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