the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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